I've been wanting to write
about Bullseye for
a while now, but have never truly felt up to the task. If I feel like
that normally, then I'm probably even less up to the task now,
sitting on my sofa feeling sorry for myself with a bad cold and a
stomach ache. But hey ho, it's better than pottering around my flat
muttering to myself, which I intend to do later.
These
days, Bullseye
is the go to default programme for me and the mister. We currently
have around 6000 episodes recorded on our Sky Plus box. And I repeat
– each episode is exactly
the same.
That's one of the wonderful things about Bullseye
– it never makes you try too hard. It's familiar and reassuring,
like comfort food or a hot bath. Only this is a hot bath containing
Jim Bowen, which raises more questions than it answers.
Once
I start talking about Jim Bowen, I find it hard to stop. I am
endlessly fascinated by the man – his perma-sad face, the way he
seems to have been 53 all his life, his odd one liners that don't
really go anywhere, his knack for accidentally insulting contestants
by asking them personal questions. You may think I'm being sarcastic
– I am not. I genuinely love Jim Bowen. These days it's a bit of a
cliché to claim that he was a bit rubbish as a host, but he was
nothing of the sort. He just had idiosyncracies that made him far
more entertaining and interesting to watch than Vernon Fucking Kay.
Also,
I'm not sure why I'm using the past tense to talk about Jim – the
guy isn't dead, far from it if this photo is anything to go by -
Little
quirks aside, when we watch Bullseye,
we always find Jim to be laid back and approachable. The right words
might not always have come out of his mouth, but you always knew what
he meant to say, and that's what counts. More importantly, he didn't
feel the need to constantly shout in everyone's face like so many
presenters do these days. Also, he had the best line in suits that
looked a bit like they were offcuts from DFS -
I'll
stop there, because I don't want this post to just be me crapping on
about how much I love Jim Bowen. It should also contain me crapping
on about how much I love Bullseye
as a show.
As
I started to say earlier but then forgot for some reason, I was never
really enamoured with Bullseye
as a kid, although I did quite like the bit where the prize board
revolved and everyone shouted 'Gamble!'
I'm
getting ahead of myself here. The point is that my parents watched
Bullseye,
and apart from the prize board bit I just kind of had to sit there
and wait for something more interesting to come on, like Surprise
Surprise,
or That's Life,
or whatever the hell used to be on after Bullseye.
Maybe it's a nostalgia thing, or maybe I just wasn't capable of
appreciating the show as a kid, I don't know.
Since
every episode is exactly the same, I guess I can just choose any one
to use as an example. I should stick to one, for the sake of
continuity, so here is a random one from Youtube -
We
start with the brilliant opening titles. In the early episodes this
was a cartoon featuring the manliest pub in the world -
And
later on it was a frightening bus and dart commute to work for Bully
-
The
opening titles were always accompanied by the same jangly Chas n Dave
style music, written by John Patrick.
After
the opening titles, the big man himself makes his entrance, down
those fabled stairs. Sometimes he stops to have an awkward chat with
some old ladies in the audience, other times he might read out a
humorous local newspaper clipping about himself. This time though, he
gets straight down to business and introduces the contestants. Note
how he never tells you where the contestants live, only the TV
service they receive. In some episodes he just says 'please welcome
Bob and Steve from Anglia TV, as if they actually work for Anglia TV,
or they live in the studios.
Here
is our contestant line up -
Me
and the mister usually pick our winners from the line up based on who
has the best moustache, or the most fetching mullet. Bonus points are
awarded if the pair are wearing matching outfits, or if a pair
contains a woman one, especially if she's manlier than all the men.
Couple
number two clearly has the moustache, the matching outfits and the
woman one, so they're our favourites to win. However, likely to come
up on the outside is couple number three, by virtue of the guy on the
right. Everything about him screams awesome.
Jim
warms up the contestants by having light hearted exchanges with them,
such as the following (from different episodes but 100% true, I
swear) -
Jim
- “Now then, I hear you're a widower. So how long has your wife
been dead?”
and
Jim
-
“Now then, are you married?”
Contestant
- “No.”
Jim
- “Are you engaged?”
Contestant
-
“No.”
Jim
- “Well are you courting?”
Contestant
-
“No.”
Jim
(in a camp voice)
- “Oh dear, I'm worried about you.”
Now
that the pleasantries are out of the way, it's time to begin the show
proper. The first couple of rounds are question rounds; the
categories are decided by the dart playing half of the couples
hurling darts at a special category board, attempting to hit the
subject their partner has requested -
What
usually happened was that the non dart player would request 'books',
and would end up with 'sport'. If a question was answered correctly,
the team would receive points, which translated into real live
pounds!
Since
Bullseye
was
a fight to the death, the couple who had won the least money by the
end of the question rounds was eliminated. This is normally the
couple that we want to win. Such is life.
Looking
at the score so far, I suspect this is going to be another of those
times -
Sadly,
I am right. We have to say goodbye to the couple with the woman one
in it, just like everyone bloody expected. That'll teach her to leave
the kitchen.
The
next round involves... well... more dart throwing and more answering
questions, if I'm honest. The category board has gone and is replaced
by a 'traditional matchplay dartboard', as Jim tells us every single
week. Whichever couple scores the highest with three darts gets to
answer the question. I think in later years they tweaked the format a
bit so no couples were eliminated until the end of this round, but
for most episodes, this round was a two horse race.
Keeping
score in this round is Tony Green, famous for being the guy who keeps
the scores and shouts stuff out on Bullseye.
Tony keeps the show ticking along nicely, curbing Jim Bowen's urges
to just start calling the contestants gay.
Bugger,
now my outsiders are out of the race too, leaving the boring couple to
romp home to victory. This always happens.
These
guys have won £191, which Jim proceeds to count out in notes during
the break. Since he only ever has a couple of notes in his hand, I
assume it's Jim's special currency – a £100 note, and a £91 note.
After
the break, a famous darts player or a celebrity comes on to throw
darts for charity. Tonight it's the brill Jockey Wilson -
As
usual, points equal pounds, and if the guest scores 301 or more with
9 darts, the producers double the money. This doubles the sense of
failure when the guest scores something like 37 with 3 darts. That
happened a lot, especially when it was a non dart playing celebrity,
or a woman.
Sadly
Jockey Wilson only scores 220, but that's still a pretty respectable
score on Bullseye.
Now
it's time for everyone's favourite bit – the prize board!
We
get to see all the stuff that Central TV managed to buy in bulk off
the back of a lorry, or got for free with Tiger Tokens.
Tonight's
prizes are -
In
1! - a dozen bottles of champagne – not bad actually
In
2! - a washing machine
In
3! - his n hers crappy watches
In
4! - a BMX bike
In
5! - a set of garden tools. They ALWAYS have this prize, every week
without fail
In
6! - some horrible wicker chairs
In
7! - a camera
In
8! - a food mixer
And
Bully's special prize – a colour TV, with Teletext no less
Ok,
I guess the prizes aren't that bad in this episode. But I have seen
some horrors – like a basket of dried flowers, and a wheelbarrow.
I refer you to http://shitbullseyeprizes.tumblr.com/
for more hideous fayre.
This
is what the guys won - the washing machine, the matching shit
watches, the camera, the food mixer, and the colour TV. Not a bad
haul.
This
is the bit I always loved as a kid – the guys have to decide
whether or not to gamble, risking their prizes for a chance to win
the STAR PRIZE.
The
guys decide not to gamble, which is a bit of a surprise since they've
done reasonably well tonight. But oh well, this means the runner up
couple can come back and gamble the money they won!
They
can always refuse as well, which means the third couple come back and
have a go. I'm not sure if there's ever been an episode where none of
the couples want to gamble – I think it might be one of the rules
of the show where if you come last, you have to gamble. You know,
like if this is your first time at fight club, you have to fight.
As
it is, the second couple have decided to gamble, and must now score
101 or more with 6 darts in order to win. Nails are well and truly
bitten at this point.
Oh
bollocks, they don't win. I thought thy were going to win, thanks to
a fluke treble 19 by the non dart player, but luck was not on their
side in the end. Now for the cruellest part of the show – the star
prize is brought out so Jim can taunt them about being losers. This
time it's a car with a big dart in it -
And
that's the end of the show. The sad, minor key version of the closing
music is played if the contestants lose, which I'm sure cheers them
up a great deal. Jim finishes by reminding us that 'You can't beat a
bit of Bully', and the show is done for another week.
Maybe
my love of Bullseye
is just me subconsciously latching on to that 'oh weren't the 80s
great, isn't old stuff funny' bandwagon. Although that wouldn't be so
subconscious, since almost my entire blog is based on that ethos. I
think my love goes deeper than that though. I think it is an
admiration based on a feeling of cosy familiarity, being reminded of
a simpler, pre internet time, and sitting on the sofa with the mister
and taking the piss out of the contestants who, let's face it, are
there to be mocked.
