Don't Do That - A farting spider

Stoppit and Tidyup -one of my favourite shows. Particularly fun to watch as an adult, and a pissed adult at that. Sponsored by the 'Keep Britain Tidy' campaign of the 80s (It might still be around now only no one gives a shit), and narrated by Lord Sir Terry Wogan Ba Ma PhD OBE CBE WTF LMFAO.

A bunch of monsters live in a place somewhere (the land of do-as-you're-told) and each monster is the focus of one episode. The episode focuses on that character's particular quirk. For example Comb Your Hair can't see where he's going because of his fringe (and he's a cow, for some reason. I like cows.), Brush Your Teeth is extra good at everything because he has good dental hygiene, and Go And Play...well...he has the quirk of being like a 40

year old pedophile just sitting there waiting for his trap to lure someone in -

Now then. if you are my age and don't remember the 'And here's all their friends...' character parade, then remind me to send you a "Good luck with your operation" card. Oh wait, you can't remind me, can you.

Anyway, when the parade is finished (ie when the opening titles are finished), notice we're already A QUARTER of the way in. I'm not sure what emotion this brings out in me, other than mild confusion.

Today we meet 'Don't Do That!' -

I picked Don't Do That because, let's face it, if there ever was a name to spawn innuendo, it's Don't Do That! One can imagine him being told to stop doing things like poking his dick through the hole in the cubicle wall, or rubbing up against a mannequin in a shop window. I guess this would have made more sense with the character called 'Stoppit'. But, you know, it's the way Wogan cried "Don't do that!" - like he was reading the script, then all of a sudden one of the producers came over and started trying to cop a feel. Wogan almost sounds genuinely afraid. As we all know, there is nothing funnier than Terry Wogan when he's being harassed by a sex pest.

So, the episode. Don't Do That is a kind of farting spider thing that gets stuck under stuff. What it is he's not supposed to do is a bit beyond me for the time being. All he does is move about, taking whoever happens to be sitting on him for a ride, which really isn't his fault. The episode should be called "Don't listen to him, he's the one sat on you." Like Terry Wogan's producer.

See? All he's doing is being under a tin. I guess the lesson for today is - Don't be under a tin.

I do like Tidyup. I shouldn't - he should be too much like stupid Soo/Mary Whitehouse - all houseproud and he irons his knickers. But no. He's so nice, and he's always getting metaphorically crapped on by people without a word of complaint.

Anyway, back to the farting spider thing. Look here, if anyone's a bitch in this episode, it's Stoppit. He can be a right little bastard at times. He has issues.

"His plan was to..." To what? To just stand there and keep getting hit on the head with stuff?

Oh wait, that was his plan. Well played sir.

I feel truly terrible now - both for Tidyup, whose picnic table has been smashed, and for Don't Do That, who has now cowered back into his shell. He wasn't doing anything wrong, he was just farting a bit.

As you may have predicted though, there is a happy ending to this tale. Don't Do That goes back home, taking an unwilling Stoppit back with him (kidnapping - always a happy ending), and Tidyup gets to use the tree stump Stoppit just cut down as a picnic table! Hurrah!

Although, can you cut down a tree stump? i'm not sure what the correct phrasing of that is.

I-pod, cephlopod and sennapod

I should be sat in a lecture now - instead I'm watching an old episode of The Poddington Peas. Honestly, the sacrifices I make for my readers! Plus my feet hurt so I came home.

The Poddington Peas was a British cartoon, shown for one series in 1989. At first I thought it was a Maddocks production (Family Ness, Penny Crayon) but subsequent Wikipedia-ing proved me wrong. I just assumed that Maddocks had the monopoly over this niche in the market - the low budget, short lived yet fondly remembered cartoons of the 80s market, that is. Anyway, The peas were created by some dude named Paul Needs. Paul Needs...what?

I'll get to the chosen episode in a sec, but first let me bring to light something I have noticed about this show. It might as well have been written by Bernard Manning. It's definitely sexist and racist, and I'm pretty sure they don't even

have one gay pea in Poddington. Of the roughly three dozen peas living at the bottom of some right-wing git's garden, only five are female. Ok, not as bad as the Smurfs, you might argue, where there's only one female. Not as much sexual harassment to be dealt with by one chick, right? Well, let's have a look at the she-peas -

Sweet-Pea - a blonde model with big tits (only peas can see them, but they are still there. I think.)

Tea-Pea - a tea lady

Skip-Pea - a little girl with a skipping rope

Penala-Pea - a single mother

Chip-Pea - a greasy woman who works in a chip shop.

There is nothing like a cartoon that teaches equality and female empowerment. And speaking of equality - Why are all the bad peas darker than the good peas? Let me illustrate what I mean -

See? SEE? These two aren't really from Poddington. I mean, they weren't born here. Look, I'm not racist or anything, but...not on my doorstep...another victory for the loony left...that damn PC brigade...let one in, the next thing you know they'll have banned the flag and made us all talk African, or wherever it is they're from...yours sincerely, BN-Pea.

Where was I? Oh yes. I might not actually get round to writing about an episode now; this might turn into some kind of pre-menopausal left wing rant. However, I did used to like this show as a kid, before I understood the concept of people being different from me. As far as I was concerned, humanity was divided into two categories - those who knew that Cheetara was the best Thundercat, and those who didn't.

I am nothing if not a massive procrastinator...

So, as you will have gathered, the Christmas review didn't happen. This is for several reasons -

1. I am lazy.

2. I've had a million and one offline things to do lately, that have generally involved getting things spilled on me by kids, or writing thousands and thousands of words about why the world doesn't exist if you put a bracket or a speech mark in the wrong place. Google 'Quine, and why he is mental and/or a bellend', or something of the kind, for this to make sense.

3. I am lazy.

4. Been getting over the final throes of depression. I've just come off Prozac after about two years of having no emotions whatsoever, and things are pretty good, touch wood. I'm hitting the gym and writing more, which hopefully will start to filter down into this blog now.

5. I didn't think I had any readers, so I didn't see the urgency of writing something that only I was going to read, because I already knew what I was going to say, so it didn't count. But now I find I have tripled my readership! I'm still going to crap on about continuity errors in Rainbow though.

6. I am lazy.

I guess it's a bit late for the Christmas review. Shame, because I'm sure it would have been the best thing anyone ever wrote.

forgive me, and watch this space.

Just a quick update -

This weekend marks my one year anniversary of occasionally spewing out some half hearted nonsense about shows no one remembers. To celebrate I shall be doing a review of the Rainbow Christmas Pantomime, hooray! I know for a fact that this particular festive piece is massively popular, because I have sold three copies of it on video to three different people in three days. My dad suggested these people were panic buying for Christmas, but really - can you think of any occasion that would demand the urgent acquisition of a 1987 festive transvestite festival like this? Me neither. Christmas or not, the whole thing is on Youtube anyway. Actually I don't have much room to talk - I was the one who owned three copies of this video in the first place.

In the meantime, here is a lovely photo of Geoffrey dressed as his own mother -

Time for some Geoffrey

I'm working tonight, so I don't really have much time to sit around watching Rainbow. This is a tragedy indeed, but it won't stop me giving you guys a minute or two of Geoffrey dicking about. Enjoy -

My favourite theme tunes

Good evening. I wrote most of this post while I was queuing for a lecture today. The rest of it was written ten minutes into said lecture when I looked at the lecturer and thought 'I don't have a fucking clue what you're talking about'. Since that made me feel inadequate and I needed to go to my happy place, I decided to go back and finish mooning over some musical slices of my childhood.

1. Maid Marian and her Merry Men -

Although this song came at the end of the episode rather than the beginning, it's still the theme tune because A) the beginning didn't really have music as such, B) everyone knows this word for word, and C) it's fucking awesome. What makes it so fab is the simple, 4 or 5 note melody that makes it easy to remember. Also, it always follows something brilliant happening, usually involving the Sheriff of Nottingham getting covered in mud. Plus, the show was set in Worksop, 5 miles from where I grew up. Thus, this song was performed every morning by the class at my school, in lieu of hymns or a pledge of allegiance. I may or may not be lying.

2. The Family Ness - "You'll never find a Nessie in the zoo" -

I realise this is another closing theme, but I have good reasons for choosing it. While its counterpart at the beginning is equally catchy and well written, the closing song is the one I'm really in love with. Especially the above, which is the full length version that appears at the end of the last episode. It's heartwarming and cheery all in one, and I love it. Since, by this time, the audience has come to know and love the Nessies so much, it's great to know they'll always get one over on people trying to Poach them for Chester Zoo, Disneyland or similar. That means they'll never have to spend their days cooped up in front of a load of snotty kids throwing McPeanuts at them out of boredom. My favourite part is at 0:33, where the Nessies are all doing the 'Fuck you Mr Zookeeper' dance.

3. Around the world with Willy Fog -

I have become a recent convert to this show, despite my previous scathing attack (half arsed rambling). One of the main reasons for this sudden change of heart is that BLOODY theme tune! Addictive is not the word - it is the crack cocaine of the 80s cartoon theme tune world. To give you some reference point, Clangers or Bagpuss might be considered as being Horlicks - dreamy, comforting and sweet. This song, on the other hand, where do I start? Oh sure, you might be immune the first time you hear it but trust me, you won't be left in peace for long. Just how is any mortal supposed to resist a tune that takes 'jaunty' to a level never before experienced by man, woman or lion? Then there is Fog's singing voice, which we have all tried to replicate after a few drinks. And when I say we, I mean me.

4. Count Duckula -

A dark horse in the line up here, one that many might pass over in favour of its more famous cousin, Dangermouse. I, however, do not like to run with the herd. Of course I already have a soft spot for this show for several reasons. Firstly, it was created by Cosgrove Hall (of 'Lines and Shapes' fame). Secondly, it combines two of my favourite things in the world - vampires and ducks. So, even if this theme tune was shit I'd still love it. But shit it is not; ace it is. This song just screams '80s power rock' at you - so much so that it could have been performed by Meat Loaf, and probably was, one night in a karaoke bar somewhere.

A slow, creepy build up, followed by the obligatory snappy drum intro, then wallop - straight into big hair, high notes and power chords. Love it.

5. Pokemon (U.S. version)

Possibly an entry that doesn't quite fit in with the rest of this list - in fact, I only discovered the Pokemon cartoons a couple of years ago, but have been working my way through them with rapt adoration ever since. The show is one of those rare treats that come around every so often. From a distance it might strike you as another shouting, epilepsy inducing cartoon for hyperactive 10 year old boys, but dig deeper and it becomes charming, slightly insane and hilariously funny, not to mention it has characters you care about and a plot you want to follow.

So, the theme tune. Why is it on my list? I'm just going to put my hands up on this one and say pure-damn-catchiness. Plus when you hear it, you know an episode of Pokemon is about to start, which is a 10 on the 'fuck you, I may be 28 but I'm cool' scale.

Honourable mention - Chorlton and the Wheelies

Do not - I repeat - do not accidentally listen to this theme tune when you are having sex, or are about to have sex. It happened to me and an old boyfriend. We were getting down to it one night, and I'd left a random 80s cartoons DVD playing. All of a sudden an entire orchestra of Carry On style whistles and springs piped up. Needless to say, our ardour was replaced by fits of giggles. A million times better than a cold shower, but we still laugh about it now. Those were the days.

Scotch-ness, drunken-ness and ginger-ness

Time to cover another obscure show, and this time it's that staple of a very narrow slice of every 80s childhood - The Family Ness. Created by Peter Maddocks, also of Penny Crayon (drunken hen night Su Pollard) fame, the first episode is entitled "Elspeth and Angus meet the Loch Ness Monster." This shouldn't come as too much of a surprise given the premise of the show - a family of Loch Ness monsters and the kids who meet them. Who are called Elspeth and Angus. And that's pretty much it. All sorts of hilarious-ness ensues.

Are you sitting comfortably? Then we shall begin.

Our Scotch story begins with Mr McToot shouting at his kids, or something. Mr McToot is actually purple. Not David Dickinson purple - proper Victoria Plum, Monster Munch, Ribena purple. Not only that, but he appears to be current defending champion of the annual "How many Scottish stereotypes can you fit into one person" competition. To defend his title, all he needs to do now is to shout "There's a moose loose aboot this hoose!" possibly with or without being on heroin.

The children run off to play on a hill that has just appeared out of nowhere, although they don't seem to notice that. What they do notice is that the hill is alive - not in a "Sound of Music" way, more of a "Oh well done, you just jumped on a huge plesiosaur and have probably killed it, I hope you're proud of yourself" kind of way. As a result, the Nessie inexplicably manages to turn round in the hole so its legs are now waving about.

"Come on Elspeth, let's try to pull it out!" Snigger. Sometimes I wish I was a real grown up.

Elspeth climbs up it and slides down its tail. Exactly how is treating the thing like a goddamn Wacky Warehouse going to help?

Another Nessie turns up, while the first Nessie is still stuck with its arse in the air. this new Nessie is the aptly names Ferocious-ness. I'm not so sure about ferocious, but it certainly does look a bit miffed - I would say roughly the level of ire found when someone drops a clean spoon on the kitchen floor and has to wash it again. Also, rather than being really ferocious and eating the kids, Ferocious-ness just points at them a bit.

Right, let's just have a quick recap here shall we? Elspeth and Angus - you now have indisputable proof of the existence of the Loch Ness Monster. more than that, you're actually seeing it with your own four eyes. More than that, you're seeing the monster's shit-scary older brother. More than that, he speaks! English! At no point are these kids anything other than entirely nonplussed at these events, and for this I take my tartan hat off to them.

The queen Nessie appears. Is it just me or does the queen Nessie sound an awful lot like a flummoxed Professor McGonagall? You can jus

t hear this one saying "Faaaaiiiive pooints too Gryffindoooor!"

Now there's one wearing a swimming costume. What.

At 2:58 I could have sworn some of them had their tits out, but unfortunately I was wrong -

You should never have to save a picture to your PC entitled "Nessie Tits".

By the way, absolutely no one else is noticing all this

going on. Oh wait, i stand corrected, that tractor man has seen them now.

Ok, so, they all pull the stupid one out of the hole, hurrah! Crisis averted. As a reward, the queen gives Elspeth and Angus magic whistle things that can be used to call the Nessies whenever they're in trouble/need a pic for the tabloids. The kids have a celebratory weeee -

Meanwhile, tractor man has gone to the police station to, what? Get the Loch Ness Monster arrested? What exactly is he hoping to achieve by telling the police? Luckily the cop on duty doesn't believe him. As he points to the calendar, we see it's APRIL FOOLS DAY! D'oh! Wait, hang on a minute, so the cop doesn't believe him because it's April 1st? Or are we not meant to believe anything that happened in the entire episode because it's April 1st? Which is it?

This conundrum brings us to the end of the first exciting episode. Stick around for the closing tune, because you'll never see a Nessie in the zoo. Even if you, erm, knock it and rock it and stuff.

Sweep, Sweep, Sweep, Sweep, Sweep and Sweep

There are certain facts about any television show in the Sooty franchise that are generally acknowledged by all. In fact, the following assertions have been unanimously agreed upon in various scientific peer review journals -

1. The show is infinitely better when a member of the Corbett dynasty is at the helm. For my money, Matthew C was the silliest, therefore the best. Not to mention his moonlighting on Rainbow.

2. Nobody likes Soo. Ever.

3. Sooty is ok as far as legless bears go, but he only really comes into his own when he's mucking about and being stupid with Sweep.

Which brings me to my final point -

4. Sweep should have been the star of the show. This is not up for debate.

I mean, who would you rather follow the adventures of - a stupid, loud, sarcastic but hilarious dog with a kazoo for a voice, or a mute yellow bear thing that is consorting with that woman Soo? Exactly.

With this in mind, the following clip is from my favourite ever episode, "Sweep's Family." I think you'll see why, but especially note the running round in circles at the beginning, the names of Sweep's cousins, the spontaneous family singing, and the dog with the brilliant afro. And, of course, the way they were all able to evict Soo from her own bedroom. har har.

Lines, Shapes and Loveliness

Once again I am called back to this blog for an unhappy reason. Yesterday I saw the news that another member of the Rainbow gang had passed away. Mark Hall, of Cosgrove Hall fame, is remembered by everyone of a certain age, I'm sure. The memories are for various reasons - Dangermouse, Chorlton and the Wheelies, Count Duckula, but I would like to deviate from this trend and say that, to me, he will always be one of the Lines and Shapes guys.

You know the deal - those squeaky, clanging, creepy yet hilarious "animations" (see - things coming to life on their fucking own with the help of disjointed spacetime) that acted as charming breaks between scenes in most episodes of the 'bow. Quite frequently had cows in them, and as you know, I love cows.

Since my writing is sporadically adequate at best, I decided to let George do the talking for me on this one -

Frozen Udders on Button Moon

I realise that every time I say I'm going to update this blog regularly because I'm happy, something inevitably comes around to fuck my shit up. So I shall make no promises this time, except that one day I will get my Jerry Beads. Anyway.

Today's show is "Cold Cows on Button Moon". Now, as you know, I effing love cows, so this should be a cinch for me right? Wrong. There aren't any actual cows in it for ages, although Rag Doll is a bit of a metaphorical cow. So, here we go!

The moon is so cold that Mr Spoon's bollocks have fallen off! Also, it is so cold that the moon has turned blue! This is exciting, because as we know, this even only happens, well, once in a blue moon. Really, all it means is that there's a different colour button today.

It's cold is pretty much what I'm trying to say. We find the Spoon family dressed like refugees, and drinking mugs of soup even though they have no mouths.

Check out the 80s phone in the spaceship. I do love that phone.

Back to the plot - "Tina wonders who they're going to see on Button Moon." If you cast your minds back to five seconds ago, we saw the ENTIRETY of Button Moon, and there was no one on it. So my guess is no one. You whore.

"Tina thinks the snow looks like pieces of white tissue paper." Maybe because it is?

They all just go back into the spaceship. What a waste of time.

Now we're looking through the telescope at Earth. So. Instead of just staying on Earth and looking at things with your eyes, you decide to be an intergalactic peeping tom? Can't argue with that.

What are they going to see? My guess is some cows. Some cold cows. Just a hunch.

Oh lordy we're in the jungle! And there's a...jungle mouse? What?

Look out mouse, there's a pelican crossing! HA!

Sorry, Lorna the hippo? I happen to have a friend called Lorna who makes me look like a big swamp monster, and I don't think she would take very kindly to a hippo being named in her honour. Oh well, what can I do about it? i'm not the boss of Button Moon.

Wait, and now Lorna the hippo is making sex noises? Eew.

Oh dear, Pelican is in Lorna's spot. Why doesn't she just wash herself in a flower? Or why not just bugger off? Also, why does the hippo have a name and the pelican doesn't? The pelican being called Pelican is like me being called Human. Sort of.

Oh god, now the pelican is doing sex noises - apparently because of a banana on a string.

A crocodile arrives. He says "Oh yeah baby, there's enough room for both of us, why don't you and your curves slip in beside me and get all dirty?" (cue Barry White music)

Oh, and apparently that's the end of that. The crocodile isn't going to try anything on with the hippo. Or kill her as nature intended.

Back to the rocket.

We move to Candlewick field, and, oh here we go - perverted farmer Teddy! he is just constantly getting off on everything, my god. Even hay.

Wait a second - the whistle is frozen up, so he just half heartedly says "toot toot!" Yeah, like that'll work. Please refer to my post on "Daddy Egbert's ding a ling" to see why making stupid noises in place of commercial machinery does not work.

YES! COWS! I like cows. It briefly occurred to me that I could make these very same cows out of rubbish I saved, but then I thought no, I'm nearly 30 with responsibilities. Then I cried a bit.

Even though Ragdoll is making uncalled for sex noises, I love her again. She brought the cows some wellies. Ours is a love-hate relationship.

Note the uncontrollable shaking and hysterical laughter when she mentions pervy farmer teddy.

Perv Teddy is on his way top Candlewick Field. Just as soon as the producer can push the train there. Hahahaha at the Rainbow book as a tunnel - they really did have a budget of 33p.

It must be noted that I don't really really think that Freddy Teddy is a perv, just that he is hopelessly in love with RagDoll, and is frustrated as a result. Thus, everything he says sounds like a come on.

Hey, what? Are they getting hay from the previously barren Button Moon to take to the cows? Who apparently have no hay on EARTH? What.

(I was going to write something there, but then I needed to go for a wee and my train of thought was lost.)

Obligatory shot of cows for pure awesomeness, while the Spoon family climb into the fucking tardis.

Anyway - RagDoll is kind of quiet and staring off into the distance after her accident. I'll let you draw your own conclusions from that. Although she does edge closer to Perv teddy towards the end, the big tease.

Aww. End.