I am not au fait with advances in beauty and grooming technology. Neither my job nor the mister require me to possess any vanity whatsoever. Dressing for work normally involves grabbing the first clothes that come to hand after groping round on my bedroom floor. I do brush my hair sometimes, but only if I'm going somewhere really nice, like KFC.
However, I do watch a lot of teleshopping, which is where I've seen most of the following monstrosities. These products promise to make you more beautiful, so you can gain a sense of self worth, grab that promotion at work, and sink your wedding obsessed claws into some poor unsuspecting chap. These products will change your life, by which I mean you'll have slightly less money than you had before.
Are you tired of having flat hair? Never fear – 'Bumpits' are a nifty bit of kit that will instantly make you look like one of the Martians off of Mars Attacks. The idea is that you put this headband thing under you hair, then arrange your real hair around it, and it's somehow meant to look good.
Maybe the thinking behind it is something like this - if a potential mate sees you have a bigger skull than all the other girls, he'll think you have a bigger brain, and that you're not just going to talk about shoes and periods on your first date. Or maybe some company just had some leftover padded bra inserts and/or traffic cones they needed to get rid of, I don't know.
2. Stroke Simulator
You know what's really good for making you feel youthful and revitalised? Having a stroke! Haven't had a stroke? Never mind – now you can simulate one with the stroke-o-matic! This piece of dickfuckery claims to 'exercise' your face, leading to, I don't know, a muscly face?
In reality, it does this -
In reality, it does this -
I'm assuming you don't use this just before a big night out. You probably have to do it before leaving the house. But if you're willing to sit at home and have 20,011 strokes, then you too could end up with a face that's, well, the same really. Apart from slightly electrocuted.
3. Foot Sander
I've had countless dates ruined, and countless broken hearts, and all because my feet needed sanding. And I never knew. More fool me. Thank God for the JML Pedi Pro – a revolutionary new foot sander, or whatever it's called. You simply switch it on, sand your feet the desired amount, then empty your disgusting foot shavings in the bin.
I don't know why they always show this bloody advert at teatime – the last thing I want to see while I'm eating is someone's discarded foot skin being emptied out into the bin. Especially if I've been on the beer the night before, then I really don't want that.
The thing is, I'm pretty sure my feet don't need sanding down – I have pretty normal feet without ever needing a foot sander. And don't give me all this “Oh women in 1950 used sandpaper on their feet, Britain today has lost its backbone”, - that is not true. Feet are for walking on, and drawing on in biro. And occasionally poking the mister in the head. They are not for sanding.
4. No No (a foot sander, but for your hairy bits)
WOMEN! Are you tired of looking like Tom Selleck? Then give us money, and we'll give you another electric sander to go along with the one you already bought for your feet, only it's not for your feet, honestly. All women need every body part sanding down until there is only a stump left.
So how does 'No No' work? The simple answer is it doesn't*.
I assume it's meant to rub your hair so hard that it gets friction burns and dies, or until it's so scared it actually starts running away of its own accord.
Hairy women, let me give you a tip – Nair cream for your face, and men's razors for your naughty, unspeakable bits. Rubbing your nether regions with a sander won't work, unless you're a pervert and you're trying to do something entirely different.
5. Spray on hair
SUPERMillionHair claims to revolutionise the fight against baldness, by introducing a spray that covers up bald patches in both men and women (as long as your hair is approximately 1 inch long).
It sticks to the hair you do have in a magical new way. And what do you do if you're Ross Kemp? You kick the crap out of the company who made it, that's what.
I cannot be the first to say that I think the SUPERMillionHair secret formula is probably Bisto. It certainly works for brown hair. And blondes? Well, they have chicken Bisto. They don't have a red version, or a purple version, judging by this colour palette on the SUPERMillionHair website
Maybe they're waiting until sweet n sour or blueberry versions become available**
*Disclaimer - I have no scientific evidence that NONO doesn't work - only the fact that it looks shit.
** I'm assuming the grey/silver variety is currently made from stuff they have gathered from old ashtrays.