The other day, my esteemed colleagues were having a conversation about Button Moon. This reminded me that I haven't written about Button Moon for a long time. I don't know why – it's easily the best show that was apparently funded entirely from loose change found down the back of the producer's sofa.
Anyway. Since I discovered one of my bosses is a fan of the 'Moon, I decided to write this post in the hope they'll decide not to sack me for being boring and always going on about my blog at work.
This episode is called 'Talent Show On Button Moon'. I'm so excited about watching this, I might wee my pants. This is how I imagine people felt when they watched the moon landings, or the Berlin wall being torn down, or 'Who shot Archie?' on Eastenders.
Here is the video link for watch along - LINK!
In the intro, Button Moon appears to be decorated with bunting made out of various... wait, I don't know what they're called. The foil things you get inside packs of butter that ask if you want a free apron, for only the cost of 12 packs of Lurpak? Those.
Mrs Spoon is allowed to drive the beansmobile today. This is truly flying the flag for women's rights. See, militant feminists? Not all men should have their dicks cut off. Mrs Spoon is driving, without crashing or anything! And Mr Spoon let her do it! God bless him.
I see Egbert and Tina aren't at school, yet again. Still, I guess in their days off they'll have learned a basic grasp of astrophysics and engineering, which is surely better than learning to spell 'cat'.
We land on Button Moon, and a walking, talking bottle is running around putting up those shit Lurpak flags, and moaning about the fact that they're having a talent contest. This is generally what Simon Cowell does when Britain's Got Talent comes back for yet another series.
A bottle is running round organising everything. Who gave him that job? A bottle has no arms or legs, according to popular culture.
Now we meet 'Bottle' properly, who is nervous about being in the show. Oh, he's in the show? No doubt he's just doing all the setting up to win brownie points with the judges than. I mean, he's obviously organised it all, so he's a dead cert to win. Only he wants to make absolutely sure, so he gets the viewers' pity votes in as a fall back. Just like on Britain's Got Talent.
I'm going to stick my neck out and say that Rag Doll and Freddy Teddy are going to be two of the contestants. This is because these two show up whenever there is any sort of competition. Rag Doll usually does something to teach us that cheats never prosper, a fact she repeatedly fails to grasp herself.
A brief aside: if this post doesn't make any sense – and I suspect it doesn't – that's because I had one hour's sleep last night.
Back to the action. Wait, did that bottle just say the contest is taking place in the Button Moon bar?
Incidentally, if Bottle is so nervous, can he calm himself down by drinking his own contents? Or would that be like drinking your own urine? It doesn't matter, since he seems to be a bottle of bleach or something. In that case, would drinking his own contents kill him? Hey, I don't have a philosophy degree for nothing.
I've also just realised that the bottle who is organising everything and the nervous bottle are in fact two different bottles. Oh well. I stand by all my previous statements, as I am too lazy to go back and change anything.
Oh, he said the barn, not the bar -
Ha ha, right on cue!
I am feeling so proud of myself right now.
Meanwhile, the big bottle's name is 'Captain Large'. Snort.
Artistic tensions are running high backstage, as Rag Doll gets into an argument with some posh bint.
YES! Strike two for me!
I think the Spoon family are the only ones in the audience. Once they are seated, the contest begins. Oh god, I really want the singing pens to win. I like pens.
Meanwhile, the little bottle is still nervous. Is it too early in the proceedings to say that I think he's going to win? And not because I've seen this episode before, because I haven't. Call it a sixth sense if you want, but I just have a feeling.
Next up we have a clown doing fuck knows what, then Rag Doll accidentally on purpose sabotages that bitch from earlier's act by not letting her onto the stage. But she's soon foiled and the bitch does some sort of poem about a rabbit nicking her ice cream -
My greedy little rabbit,
First he took a lick,
Then he took my ice cream,
And stuck it on his dick.
It's now the little bottle's turn, but he still has stagefright, so Rag Doll nicks his go. She does some disco dancing that is actually pretty awesome. It's certainly better than that shit poem.
Finally, the moment you've all been waiting for! No, not the end of the episode – THE LITTLE BOTTLE'S ACT! It's rubbish – he just garbles 'The Grand Old Duke Of York' really quickly and then runs off the stage. If I was in charge of the show I would disqualify him for wasting everyone's time.
Ooooh, the winners are announced, and the little bottle has only come third! There goes my theory. Ok then, I still don't think Rag Doll or her arch enemy will win, so that leaves the clown or the singing pens. I really hope it's the pens. Nothing against the clown, I just really like pens.
In second place – the clown that did fuck knows what. My favourites are poised to win!
Here it comes – in first place... The Button Moon Pencils! Oh wait, they're pencils, not pens. I don't care, I like pencils too. I don't mind admitting that I actually did a bit of a fist pump when I heard the winner. I'm getting into this episode, don't judge me.
Rag Doll and her arch enemy put their differences aside and declare the contest to be rigged, or something. And then the Spoon family go home, and that's it. I think the moral of today's story is that, even if an act is a bit shit, they will still get placed as long as one of their parents is organising the contest. And also that you just can't beat singing pencils.