3 spoiled bitches in UK adverts

Right now, there are loads of adverts here in the UK that piss me the hell off. All the stupid Match.com and E-harmony adverts that feature beige women talking about how they’re single. Let me tell you, I’m not surprised any of you are single. At all. The weird Confused.com advert that rips off Y.M.C.A., which makes me mute my TV every single time. Anything to do with Oak Furniture Land. Oh great, the bloody Confused.com advert is on my TV even as I write this.

But there are three adverts that really wind me up, not because they’re bad adverts, but because of the spoiled, whingeing, self-important heifers that feature in them. Every time, every single time, the women in these adverts make me want to throw all my pans at the TV. And I have five pans. Let’s see if I can get to the end of this post without combusting with rage.

Spoiled cow #1 - Trivago

This woman’s boyfriend is taking her on holiday to Barcelona. That’s nice of him isn’t it? Apparently not. Apparently he’s a prick who hates her because he dares to suggest hotel rooms that might be below her exacting standards. First she gets pissy because he might accidentally book a twin room rather than a double room. That’s sort of understandable, although I bet he really did want separate beds, because she snores and stinks of piss. But what really gets me is when, once he finds a double room, it’s still not good enough for Her Majesty because she wants something "more stylish”. What? Pardon? So your nice boyfriend is taking you on holiday, and you’re going to sit in the hotel room and moan that the wallpaper is the wrong colour? Do yourself a favour boyfriend, dump this bitch and take someone else to Barcelona. Someone like, I don’t know, Suzie Dent from Countdown. She seems nice. Anyway, how much time is his dumbass girlfriend planning to spend staring at the walls of the hotel room? I hope she ends up spending all her time doing just that. I hope she eats a bad paella, or gets a sunburnt arse, and has to lie there looking at her lovely beige walls while he’s out having fun with Senoritas. 

Spoiled cow #2 - M&Ms

This bitch isn’t ill, and she doesn’t appear to be pregnant. She’s just laying there on the sofa, like the lazy-assed skank she is, watching World’s Stupidest Boyfriends (which her boyfriend is starring in). The only effort she ever expends is craning her neck so her Stepford boyfriend can get sucked in by her puppy dog eyes routine. She gazes at him with her eyeballs, and says “I could really go for a snack.” No please, thank you, nothing. And, like a programmed manservant, he goes and has a fight with some M&Ms to obey her order. So you want a ‘snack’ do you? Why, been tiring yourself out laying there watching Sky Living?

When the manservant presents her with her ‘snack’, she just looks at him, as if to say “well, it’s not going to chew itself is it?” I hate her.

Spoiled cow #3 - Nescafe Azera

Here we have it, the last in a triple bill of women expecting the males they’ve acquired to run round like well trained dogs. This one’s lazier than the M&Ms woman, because she can’t even be bothered to get out of bed. Which I bet she’s pooed in because she’s so lazy.

This time, not only is there no please or thank you, there isn’t even a question. She just turns to her boyfriend/butler and says “Guess what I want.” I know what she wants, but unfortunately I don’t know where she is to be able to give her a slap.

She talks to him like Barbara Woodhouse would talk to an Alsatian. I wouldn’t have been surprised if she’d then started shouting “And fetch the paper, there’s a good boy! Good boy!”

She demands that the poor boyfriend goes out in the pouring rain to get her a cup of coffee. This is despite the fact that they have a kettle at home, not to mention she has a body with which to take herself out for coffee. But then, why should she go fetch her own coffee when Fido’s there to do it for her?

This advert’s one slightly redeeming feature is that Fido doesn’t actually go out to get coffee – he just makes some coffee in the kettle and lies about it. This is sort of ok, but what he really should have done was thrown her out of the window into the street and shouted “There, now you’re closer to the coffee shop than I am. While you’re out get me a Mars Bar, thanks!”

Wow, I guess I did make it to the end of the list without exploding. Well done me. I shall reward myself with a nice cup of coffee, WHICH I SHALL MAKE MYSELF, AND WHICH I SHALL NOT USE ANY OF MY FEMALE LEGS AND BOOBS TO GET.