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Sunday, 14 April 2013

Fear my wrath and buy my gold!

Ladies and gentlemen, I would like you to shield your eyes and grab a bible. What I am about to show you has come up from the depths of hell, landing smack bang in the middle of the Price Drop TV studio.

In the war between good and evil, between God and the Devil, God was narrowly winning, until the Devil managed to acquire a load of gold plated necklaces and badly stitched socks from off the back of a lorry. These undefeatable weapons at hand, Mr Devil needed a way to get the cursed artefacts into the hands of humans. He couldn't flog them himself, obviously, what with him being all red and pointy, and besides, Britain's a bit cold at this time of year, you know how it is, bad shoulder and everything. He needed a minion to flog all this tat for him.

And lo, Justin Hazell was born!

Look at him. Look at his Satan worshipping face. Look at his evil, demonic grin, revelling in the knowledge that he's about to sell a tenner's worth of underpants for two hundred quid to 'Sheila R' from Basingstoke.

You might want to know why I am writing about one of Satan's minions, when usually I just crap on about pound shops and Bungle. Well, I'm writing about this guy because I believe he has put me and the mister under some kind of evil hypnotic spell. We haven't been brainwashed to the point of actually buying anything from Price Drop, not just yet, but it's a close thing. For example, the other night we stayed up until 2 a.m. just watching his evil, demonic face selling things for a pound. We'd been sleepy since about 9.30, but something dark and unknown was compelling us to sit and stare into those ghoulish eyes, wondering if he would manage to sell all 105 of his mop replacement heads for a pound each. 

But of course, he did sell them all. Just like he sold every last bit of his tat. And I put it to you that the only reason anyone was watching Price Drop at that time of night was because they too were under his spell. And I'm almost certain that, before he appears on screen each time (he doesn't walk through the door of the studio, he just appears), he recites an evil sounding Latin incantation to his supreme overlord, the prince of naughtiness. And this incantation gives him the power to bend minds to such an extent that everyone wants some whizzy mop heads and some cleaning stuff that doesn't work because it's really just a bottle of blue water.

Let's take a look at His Despicableness in action -


In this video, he is selling a GENUINE 24 CARAT GOLD plated NECKLACE! 

Note some of his evil, despicable selling tactics. These include -

 - Pointing out for ten minutes that gold is quite valuable. He labours this point by reminding the viewers that every body that has ever been dug up (probably by him) has had some gold on its person. In other words, if you do not want to be dug up by the Devil, do not be buried wearing gold plated tat off Price Drop

 - Pointing out (with the help of a handy graph) that 24 carat gold contains more gold than 18 carat gold

 - Not actually allowing the viewers to see what they're buying until he has them completely under his evil, swirly mind spell

 - Talking about the power that will be bestowed upon the viewer when they buy the necklace of Hades - they will be "bigger and stronger"

 - Talking to the audience about his "stiffness" in order to convince the viewers he is human, and to lull them into a false sense of security

 - Many minutes of nothing but him waving the shiny gold around on the screen to dazzle the viewer (another one of his swirly mind tricks) -

 - Starting the price at £60.00, so the viewers will think it was ever worth anything near £60.00, and that they're somehow getting a great bargain when His Naughtiness slashes the price down to £14.99

 - And last but definitely not least - the mildly disturbing 'fingering the air' thing he does with his hands as the price comes down (and is probably not the only thing that comes down). 

Look at him. Look at his fingering fingers and his sex face -

As we see at the end of the video, he did indeed manage to sell all the necklaces of Hades. This does not surprise me one bit, since he sells everything he ever looks at. If you introduced him to your mother he'd sell her. He may or may not entice old ladies away from Tesco and sell them, to local drug barons. He will soon sell something to me; I am under no illusion regarding this; such is the magnitude of his evil power.

If something should happen to me, I want you to know that it was most likely a conspiracy between Price Drop TV and the Devil; a last ditch attempt to silence me. But I will not be silenced! In fact, I'll probably come back and blog about having just bought a whizzy mop, or a cake pop maker. But for now, at least, be on your guard. And keep that bible handy.

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