Pac Land - ghosts can drive cars, but only classic cars

When I was a nipper I used to frequent the Carousel arcade in Ingoldmells. Being about five I couldn't even reach the cabinet screens without standing on a box, let alone play the games. This didn't stop me from spending endless 10 pence pieces in a hopeless attempt to find out where Pacman went when he wasn't stuck in that maze -

Released in 1984 by Namco, Pac-Land is the one arcade game I remember playing endlessly as a child. I never beat it; I never even got close, but it didn't stop me trying – I was plucky. I also had bags and bags of 10p coins given to me by my parents.

Pacman goes on 'trips'  in order to do something-or-other (possibly to help a fairy?). We start at his house, where instead of walking along the path he chooses to run down the middle of the main road, jumping over (quite rightly) annoyed ghosts in cars -

Things carry on in this vein for about a month, until we get to 'Break Time'. I presume Pacman has a nice break. Maybe a kit-kat and a crossword. And a fairy flies out of his hat. What?

Now we're jumping over cacti and spaceships, again instead of just going round them. If people would just have been thoughtful and got out of each other's way, my life would have been a whole lot easier and I might have won at this game sometimes.

Into the forest, where tree stumps and ghosts on pogo sticks are now the enemies. What is the ghosts' problem? Did Pacman write an article making fun of them on his website or something?

Another break, because Pacman is lazy.

Now the first bit of real peril in the game – moving log platforms. And then -

THOSE FUCKING SWIMMING POOLS!

If I recall correctly, I managed to clear the first pool ok, but the second one was where I generally died. This is about two minutes in. That's how bad I was at this game. I do have vague memories of the sky turning to sunset later on, so I must have managed it a couple of times, but generally my Pacman had a death wish.

Oh I see – the second pool comes up later. For now we've cleared the round, and have a pile of flowers as our reward -

Ok, now we have to go back the way we came, and everything is harder. You can double jump, but that's not much help when you're five and rubbish. Never mind – if someone else is playing then Pacman makes it home safely, where he is greeted by Mrs Pacman and Pacman Jr. They don't go near him, so I think he might stink.

Trip two, and the sky is a bit darker, so at least I'm not going insane. More running down the dual carriageway, and this time there are double decker buses. This is because people are trying to get home from work now. Pacman is just being selfish.

Another break? Are you fucking kidding me?

More ghosts on pogo sticks, and oh yes, this is the impossible swimming pool coming up. Here it is  

I tell you, getting past that swimming pool was like winning the lottery.

Ok, the guy does deserve a break this time.

Now it's time for plank and squirt avoiding, and this shit seriously goes on for about ten years.

Yay! Another flower pile for us!

And oh good, we get to go aaaaaaall the way back. What I will say about the return journey is that you apparently get to become some kind of super-pac, and the music gets about 83% more awesome.

Trip three! Ooh, it's getting towards night time now. It's twilight, but there's no sign of a Cullen so don't worry. Hmm, now then. Pac seems to be able to equip some special boots to turn himself into super-pac -

That's interesting, although irrelevant to a useless player like me.

A ha! I think I've figured out what it is. You collect those golden ball things, then you equip super-pac and can use him before the golden balls run out. Sound familiar? Tut tut sonic, you copycat.

I don't think those ghosts are actually doing anything wrong. As far as I can tell Mr Pac is just getting in their goddamn way.

Seriously? SERIOUSLY? We had a break about four seconds ago.

More log peril, then we encounter a new obstacle – clouds. Gosh darn it those clouds are terrifying, the way they, er, move up and down.

Possibly the end fairy equips your magic boots. She wants to make it easier for you to get the hell away from her, but I notice she doesn't help you visit her in the first place. I think she's trying to tell us something.

Trip four here in the 'let's take a break' game. Not much to report so far; pretty Groundhog Day-ish.

OOOOH! The music's become all scary, and now we have to get a key! Could this be the onset of level two peril? This music really is insane – I'm almost certain the cowardly five year old me wouldn't have been able to handle this.

I think the various keys open various parts of the level, which you must pass through to get to...oh look...a break time. Who knew. More plank and squirt avoiding before the next end fairy.

The new development on this return journey is that Mr Pac can turn invisible and not get hurt by ghosts – isn't that normally the other way round where ghosts are concerned?

Trip five – HA! You ride the flying saucers across the pool! It's all so clear now!

More log peril, more clouds, more indoor scares, only this time you can't see for shit, and instead must guess your way through. Trip six is pretty much just more log peril.

I'll be honest here – I always thought there were only five trips in this game, not five million. I also assumed there would be a boss, and that I was just always too useless to have met him. I do hope I'm right. I mean, I know I'm right about the being useless thing; I meant about the boss thing.

Trip seven – a mixture of extreme log peril and extreme blindness. Trip eight – more hitching a ride, indoor scares and plank and squirt avoiding. Trip nine...more...well, you get the idea.

Hang the fuck on. There is no end to this game. According to a walkthrough from a trustworthy source, you just keep going back and forth until you die. Sometimes your wife has red boots on instead of pink. There is no boss, and there is no point. Oh dear. To quote Mr Darcy -“I seem to have been labouring under a misapprehension.”