Today, however, was one of the aforementioned days of doing interesting stuff. Admittedly, it's only interesting if you're me. I went to the car boot sale, and came back with the single greatest thing known to man. When I first spotted it, hiding among various bric a brac in a box marked 'everything 50p', I thought it would be a mildly funny passing diversion and nothing more. Not so. This item is so life changing and marvelous that it really deserves its own Nobel Prize. Or at the very least, a Blue Peter badge. Ladies and gentlemen and psychos of the internet, I present to you -
THE TOTALLY RADICAL JUST SEVENTEEN KISS CHASE BOARD GAME!
It's going to take me a while to write this post, since I keep getting all girly and excited, and having to do things like squeal and put glitter in my hair.
The JUST SEVENTEEN KISS CHASE BOARD GAME is a game for 2 or more moronic players who, for today's purposes, were going to be me and the mister. yes, the mister actually agreed to play this dross with me. He must really like going out with me, for some godforsaken reason.
The aim is to go round and round and round and round and round the board, collecting tokens, which you exchange for different tokens, which you then exchange for DREAM DATE CARDS! Here are the accepted token exchange rates -
1 kiss token = 1 kiss token
3 kiss tokens = 1 snog token
3 snog tokens = 1 date tokens
3 date tokens = 1 DATE CARD!
As you can see, the game goes on for fucking years.
There are three different date cards to collect, which determine where you go, how the date goes, and most importantly, who your outdated hunk from the 90s will be!
And now - the board!
As you can see, it's a bit like Monopoly, except there are no houses, no properties, no silver counters, no money, no banker, and no jail. In fact, it's hardly like Monopoly at all. But there are cards, which you get in Monopoly, so shut up.
The dream boy, dreamy date location and dream date cards should be pretty self explanatory, if you were paying attention earlier. The two other sets of cards are the question cards, which contain a question the player must answer to get a kiss token, and the UH-OH cards, which contain a dare! And, might I add, the shittest dares known to man. But more of that in a minute.
So, me and the mister went round the board, dutifully throwing threes and sixes and landing on inconsequential squares. Then we began to land on question and UH-OH squares! The questions were the kind of 90s tween drivel you might expect - what was the name of MN8's first single, which town are Boyzone from etc, and we answered up to some of them right. The UH-OH cards were much more entertaining. Among the dares we got got were the following, although I won't embarrass the mister by sharing which were his dares -
- do a belly dance while singing the theme tune to Coronation Street
- do an impression of a pot-bellied pig until it's your turn again
- do a flamenco dance until it's your turn again
- say your address really really fast (not sure how this is a dare, unless you're worried about identity theft)
There were two other kinds of uh-oh/fucking hell cards - on some you had to name three types of something or other in ten seconds, and on the rest you had standard, Monopoly-esque life challenges, such as "oh shit, your mum threw out your East-17 pants, miss a go!".
One other thing - there were a few squares on the game board containing various triumphs and dilemmas - one was something like "Ant and Dec are fighting over you, lose two kiss tokens", and "OMG, Gary Barlow dedicated a song to you, collect a kiss token!" The mister got especially excited when he landed on these squares.
As the game progressed we collected tokens, and soon (after about seven hours) we discovered who our dream dates were! At first I had Damon Albarn from Blur, and He had Paul Nicholls off of Eastenders, and off of Paul Nicholls' life and stuff. Luckily, we had the option to swap our dream dates.
My date was odd cap wearing, chisel faced cockney songwriter and friend of drug barons Tony Mortimer from East-17 -
The mister's date was lush but gay and sadly now deceased Boyzone singer Steven 'Steve' Gately -
Next, after much faffing, we exchanged tokens for dreamy date location cards, and discovered the following -
Tony Mortimer was going to take me to the football, which I was apparently going to have to put up with, as a girl (I would put up with it, as long as he didn't take me to see Millwall) -
The mister was luckier - he was going to be taken to Blackpool where, bizarrely, he is then ordered to be sick into Steven Gately's lap -
The tension is building now, and we're this close to having a full on row over who wins (clue - we're not really). After what seems like hours/days/weeks of dice rolling, the mister is finally victorious! He gets the date card first, so presumably he wins his dream date! I'm not going to tell you what his dream date actually involves, so let's just go with Steven Gately and some sick for now -
Although, in retrospect, maybe I really won...
Anyway, here is the mister celebrating his victory -
Other dates we could have won include -
- You take Seal to LegoLand, where you sneeze in his face
- Chesney Hawkes takes you to Wyndsors World Of Shoes, where you shove a sandal up his bum
- You Take Andy Crane to Pizza Hut and kick him in the balls
- Right Said Fred take you to Alton Towers, where you shit in their hats