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Saturday, 13 April 2013

Rainbow - Simon Says get the fuck over yourself

I've missed watching Rainbow episodes, but for a while I haven't really been watching anything except Price-Drop TV with the mister. This has been partly due to the hypnotic, almost snake like charm of one of their head presenters, Justin Hazel (a reincarnation of the very devil himself, and the subject of tomorrow's post) and our eagerness to acquire cheap knock off perfume, tanzanite rings in size P (and only in size P), and a knife which is so sharp it will chop up all your other knives, all for one high price. This goal achieved, I can now turn my attention back to men dicking about, and Jane.

Today's episode is called "Friendship" -

We begin by witnessing Zippy having a moan to a faceless, burnt looking monkey. Then he asks George to sing a song with him. George heartlessly denies this simple request, since he "is drawing". He can't draw and sing at the same time, because he is a GODDAMN IDIOT.

The phone rings, and George is still too busy being sat right next to the phone and listening to it ring to actually answer it. Luckily, Geoffrey arrives in the nick of time -

Look at it. Look at the faceless burnt out nuclear war monkey -

I think he probably lost his face in a bet somewhere. Or in 'Nam.

Anyway, on the phone is George's "friend" Tommy, who would like George to go have a look at his old comic collection. And to look at his puppies and kittens and stuff. Tommy probably wears a string vest and lives in a shed in the local park.

Next up is the postman, who apparently has a key to their house, since he just shoves the mail under the living room door -

The letter is for Bungle, and is either from the mother of Bungle's friend Simon, or from Bungle's friend, who happens to be Simon's mother. We shall never know. Before we get to the letter, we have to witness the unsavoury spectacle of Bungle trying to coerce Zippy into touching his matted and flea ridden back hair, a task which George is only too happy to undertake, despite being too busy to fucking sing a minute ago. This goes on while Zippy realises his only true friend is the 'Nam monkey, while Geoffrey looks on in a thoroughly depressed manner -

Seriously, look at 'Nam monkey -

Next on the phone is George's friend Elizabeth, who wants to come round and visit him. The mister, who watched this with me, was amazed that George has a female friend. When I pointed out that he was friends with Jane, he sort of made a noncommittal noise. Then stole some of my cashew nuts.

In the next scene, Zippy is moaning that no one loves him except 'Nam monkey, and that Geoffrey is too old to be his friend. Come on Zippy, true love knows no boundaries - just look at George and Tommy.

Next we have a very mediocre game of Simon Says, consisting of two rounds, both of which have Simon saying. Zippy is still feeling left out, but it's sort of ok because he still has 'Nam monkey, who will no doubt keep him entertained with stories of hookers he picked up in 'Nam.

This is the story, about dogs and balls -

We then have a heartwarming make up scene, in which George and Bungle make Zippy the worst "you're my friend" card in the world, and give it to him in one of Geoffrey's old envelopes he got from the Inland Revenue. I'm not sure why Bungle is looking so shocked -

Then, as per fucking usual, Rod Jane and Freddy turn up, completely uninvited. Jane looks mightily pissed off to see another woman on her turf -

However, she manages to cover this up semi successfully, and the gang all sing a song of Zippy's choosing. This is to, you know, make up for when they ignored him for five seconds earlier. Even the ones who weren't there to ignore him are apologising, and so they should.

Freddy just stands there looking a bit like Ian McShane -

And there our tale ends. It may not be one of the more life changing episodes of Rainbow, like the one where they had a real live breastfeeding woman, but I liked it. But then, I'd like Rainbow if all they did was set fire to an orphanage then share out some Nazi gold between themselves.

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